14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
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My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.