Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
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ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.