Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
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As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…