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WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Mornin. * use accordingly
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
@ candidates for local office
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.