therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
You Might Also Like
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??