you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
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Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.