Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets

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Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.

Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*


If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.


Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”


[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happened

bad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK

passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best


I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.


Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’


My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.


ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ


[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free


My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.