As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
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Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
this has to be peak English
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Bruh PLEASE
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.