There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
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When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
My love language is deader than Latin
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Godspeed, John Glenn
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT