There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
You Might Also Like
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.