Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
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My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Time for evil
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Was it something I said?
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking