If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
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[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Same pineapple, same
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
synchronized noseblowing
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’