@trevso_electric

“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus

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@PhuckinCody

I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.

@RandomAntics

as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.

@faizziy

There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.

@Tommytoughstuff

“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”

@CarpentersCrack

I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.

@SharkJelly

[1hr before date]

Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken

@jzux

why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait