“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
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I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
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Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
I’d rather go liquor treating.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.