“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”

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I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.


as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.


There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.


“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”


I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.


[1hr before date]

Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken


why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait