ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
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Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?