Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
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For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.