Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
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Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Shower sex be like:
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails