Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore

School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”

Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose

ME: Can I buy you a drink?

HER: I have a boyfriend.

ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.

I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.

I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!

My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.

Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅

Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.

since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys

I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/

The princess and the pea

But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus

My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁

What is going on here?

Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?

Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok

[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks

my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going

If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.

[home depot]

ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock

HER: Boulder

ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK

The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay

Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…

me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order

God’s Wife: I just need some space!

God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.

[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”

SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!

HERO: Ok

SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?

HERO: I’m in

SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.

HERO: My therapist said to try new things

SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward

HERO: I’ll get my stuff

What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.

Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.

Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.