Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
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me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*