Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
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8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
the official breakfast of 2021
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
What if all the cashiers are married?