I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
You Might Also Like
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Them: Just act casual
Me:
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”