Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
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You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear