*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
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I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Sign of the day..
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
They’re not wrong
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Spa day..😅
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…