What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
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5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it