Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
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me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Thrilling chase underway
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*