Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
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If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]![]()
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You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
what day is it?
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Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
A customer told me they were never coming back….
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Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.