Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
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Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
If you need a laugh.. 😅
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
That de-escalated quickly
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you