If you need a laugh.. 😅
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My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
man: wait
time: no
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*