The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
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anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
They’re really bad with fonts.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
I have never related to a cat more
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Meanwhile in Portland…
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..