HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
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I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses