u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
You Might Also Like
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.