I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
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[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Fiction has to make sense.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?