Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
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I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?