The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
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My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
listen closely
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?