This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
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Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.