Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
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Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
I can’t wait!
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?