Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
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Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
water it, i dare you
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing