absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
You Might Also Like
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.