Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
You Might Also Like
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Don’t snitch tag.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish