Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
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Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Classic German Shepherd 😂
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.