If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
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With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Well, this certainly took a turn
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Merry Christmas
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.