Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
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I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.