on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
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*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”