I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
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“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*