My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
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[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle