I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
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When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
🙋♀️
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”