But it’s not the “worst way” either…
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I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets