A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
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Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.