Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
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Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.