Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
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[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Shower sex be like:
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”