Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
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My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.