[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
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“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
…żyje?
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.