Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
You Might Also Like
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.